antique bull

I'm gonna be gay and write this down now. First of all, since I've gotten here I felt like I've been a completely different person. Not so much different, just specific parts of me more noticeable than back at home. For example, my hyperness and goofyness has just not been showing itself. Which is really strange for me. I've been having really serious conversations with my close friends here. And as much as that is the opposite of how I really am, I think it shows how comfortable I am around them to be discussing these things. I know my real character will come around soon, and I just think that it is because I am not feeling too well and just not in that mood.

Since I was so depressed about missing my friends I discovered this through lots of thinking and talking. And it's just this snowball effect that I am never going to be able to escape now. I go to high school and develop this bond with a bunch of my friends that I don't think a lot of people are able to experience. As I move on to Ramapo, I got so upset that I wasn't seeing my friends everyday. It took almost months to finally adjust to this. Now as I am in Australia I miss two parties of my friends. As they have both gotten close as well, it makes it hard because four months, although it isn't ridiculously long, is still a long time to be away from people who you've been seeing almost everyday, both friends and family. You just don't know what you're missing until you don't have it. I think I just took every relationship I had for granted. And I know consciously this was not the case, I feel like it's subconscious for everyone. When you have something for so long you just don't realize until it is missing. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder is definitely one of the truest saying I have heard.

Now as my friends become my mates, and my aquantances become my friends, I realize how this is going to happen again. And I know it's going to be so hard on me when I go back. I walk through this school of 40,000 students and have yet to have one walk to class where I haven't seen someone I know. I hate change. It's so hard to adjust and there's nothing you can do but wait it out. Depending on your mood, the memories will make you happy, other times it will upset you. There's no predicting it. There is not one day that passes that I do not think of every one of my friends and family members back home. I wonder what they're doing, how they're doing. And then when I'm home, happy to be reunited with my family members, I know that I am going to miss everyone here. When I was at school I always brought up my home friends to them, when I was home I always brought up my school friends to them, and now when I'm here I bring up everyone from home to them. It hasn't even been a month and I am thinking of this now. But why shouldn't I? Maybe preparation is the key.

Life has just become a big mystery to me lately. Unfortunately, this is life and we must deal with it. You live to love and it just breaks your heart. I think I know my problem. I force myself not to feel the change. And I hold myself for as long as I can in that place where I feel comfort. But, it backfires because I can't feel that comfort and the feelings just get worse and worse. I don't want to let go, but it's inevitable. It may take days, weeks, or months to overcome this as much as you can. It will never be the same though. Even when reuniting your relationships are different even the slightest. New relationships form with those you love. I mean they will, you are away for so long. The separation creates this gap in your relationship that may or may not be filled up again. So no matter where you go, the lives you live, the bonds you create, you will at one point have to realize this will change. So maybe thinking ahead will be best. No matter what the pain and heartache will be there, but maybe it will be alleviated a little bit. And this doesn't mean to keep your distance and not let these relationships grow, but just prepare.


And I have to say almost 4 times bigger than Ramapo and there is still the problem of nothing to do at times. And you see the same people all the time. And you know what...I like it.